I posted this in an online bipolar group I'm in, just thought I would add it to my blog as well.
It's days like today that I wish I had a therapist on speed dial...I'm sorry if this gets hard to follow, I'm having trouble following my own thoughts...
Some of you know that I was recently accepted into a program for people with mental illness; they help you to try and meet your goals and overcome things that are holding you back from living the best life that you can. I am starting to get scared of getting "well", especially now that for the most part my meds are keeping me close to stable.
I think I'm scared that if I do too well, the next time my disability case is reviewed (every 3 years) they will decide that I'm no longer disabled and force me to go out and get a job, which at this point I am totally incapable of. And even if I did get to a point where I was able to go out and work, I have no college education so I would have to work in some sort of low income job that has little or no health coverage. So if I lost my benefits, I wouldn't be able to afford my medication, and then I would be back to where I could not work again, and I'd have to go through the whole process of getting reapproved for disability benefits. Ugh.
But...I don't want to be stuck here in my apartment with only 2 friends (one can't come over to hang out because she's allergic to cats, the other one is always busy or having problems with her own mental illness which means she rarely comes over). I don't want to be too scared and anxious to leave my apartment. I want to be able to take the city bus without freaking out about it (I'm always scared of missing it, so I end up sitting at the bus stop 20 minutes early, I hate how long it takes to get anywhere, and I hate that I have to wait for it after I'm done with whatever I'm out doing and I just want to get home as soon as possible).
I hate it when people say that I'm lucky that I don't have to work...as if it's so much fun to sit here all day and feel useless and anxious and bored. I do wish that I'd never had all of these illnesses in the first place so that I could have gone to college and gotten a decent job, and not have to worry about taking medication 5 times a day.
The other thing that has been floating through my mind today is I'm wondering if I'm just selfish and self-centered and want to be in total control of my life. What if subconsciously I just don't want to work because I want to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want? Or is my fear of not being in control part of my illness?
I don't know, I'm just feeling really scared and confused and depressed today. I want to have a better life than this but I also have a very strong fear of having to go back and live in the "real world". I didn't do too well there (obviously).
I don't want to be all pathetic and I don't want you all to think I'm just a big cry baby. I just feel horrible today.
I find this post very brave for many reasons. Reasons that don't need to be listed, but I wanted to tell you how strong I see that you are. For the simple fact of being able to say, "I'm scared.". Also, I think that asking yourself questions like "am I really to sick to work" is the right questions to ask. Because if you never ask them, you'll never know the answer to them. I had to do the same thing. I had to ask myself that question about a dozen times before I recently came to the conclusion that YES, I am too sick to work and that will never change, no matter how badly I want it to.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on your journey. Thank you for being so brave.