Expectations

I want to talk about expectations. I'm going to start with some quotes that I like:

• “Have the least expectations from others and the highest expectations from yourself.” ~ Raj Bokdia
• "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." ~ Dennis Wholey
• "A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though awakens your own expectations." ~ Patricia Neal
• "As I know more of mankind I expect less of them, and am ready now to call a man a good man, upon easier terms than I was formerly." ~ Samuel Johnson

Expecting someone to be what you want them to be is wrong. Expecting others to do the best they can is a sign of maturity. No one is ever going to live up to the expectations of others, no matter how hard they try. A common mistake that parents make is to set expectations for their children beyond what the child is capable of. As teenagers, many people find that everyone is setting expectations for them. Is this really how we want to live as a society? Don't we want to help people find their own expectations of themselves? Setting boundaries is often confused with setting expectations. It is right to set boundaries. It is right to learn that all behaviors have consequences, good or bad. But you can't just assume or expect that others will never cross the boundaries you set. In those cases, you have the right to choose to not have that person in your life.

When you are frustrated because someone is not living up to your expectations, take a step back and ask yourself what that person expects from themself, and ask them what you can do to help them meet those expectations. Encourage others to set goals for themselves, and help them achieve those goals if you can. If you have ever seen or experienced an intervention, you know that the best results don't come from setting expectations, but from setting boundaries and consequences. I.E. "If you do not seek treatment, I cannot be a part of your life". "If you do not seek treatment, I will not allow you to live in my home, and I will no longer give you money". This approach helps to encourage the person to seek help or treatment so that they do not have to experience the negative consequences. But to tell someone that you expect them to get better and then enable them to remain ill is counterproductive.

Please, don't set expectations on anyone's shoulders but your own. Set boundaries and enforce the consequences. Also remember that no one will know what your boundaries are unless you tell them, and no one will know what the consequences are unless you tell them. I don't know anyone who can read someone else's mind. In the end, set expectations for yourself and wish, hope or pray that others will do the same for themselves.

Edit: Mel makes a good point in her comment...be careful when you set expectations for yourself. Keep them realistic, and don't ever base them on what you think other people want you to be. Set small goals that you want to work towards, but go easy on yourself if you don't reach them right away. Put them aside and try them again at a later time. Take care, and thanks for the comment Mel!

Life On a See-Saw

You've probably heard the expression "I'm juggling a lot of things right now", or "I dropped the ball". So let's put a literal translation on that and how it relates to having bipolar disorder.

People without bipolar are standing on solid ground, with a lot of colorful balls at their feet. Each ball represents a different aspect of life. There is work, family, recreation, friends, housework, hygiene, exercise, shopping, vacations, etc. They reach down and grab the balls and try to juggle them. It's not easy for anyone, and sometimes people do drop a ball. But for the people who are standing on solid ground, it's easier to reach down and pick the balls back up.

People with bipolar are standing on a see-saw, trying to balance in the middle. At any given moment we can slide either way, into depression or mania. We also have extra balls to juggle. Taking medication, side-effects of medication, doctor visits, and therapy appointments. Even when we are able to balance in the middle, it can be hard to reach down and grab more balls than we already have. Sometimes we manage to grab a couple of them and get them into the air with the rest, but eventually we will lose our balance and slide down to one side of the board.

When we slide down to the depression side, we usually drop almost every ball. It can be hard to hang on to some of the basics, like hygiene or eating or even just getting out of bed. Sometimes we are able to work our way back to the middle without medication adjustments, but there are a lot of times when we have to start over and tackle new medications with new side effects.

When we slide down to the manic side, every ball on the ground is tempting. We try to grab them all at once and start to juggle frantically. We lose interest with some of the new ones easily and grab for different ones. A lot of times we feel so good that we throw the medication and doctor visit balls out the window. We feel pretty good at first, and don't feel like we need those any more. And we don't have time! We have all of these new shiny balls to play with. Eventually, the balls start to drop if we become psychotic or delusional. Things can get scary pretty fast. Finally we end up in the hospital getting put back on medication, and then we try to work towards the middle again.

Many of us spend a great deal of time starting over at the beginning. It can be very frustrating and we often feel like failures. It's easy to get to a point where we get to the middle and just say "why bother trying to pick up those balls? I'll just drop them again.". This is when we need people the most. We need people to help us find reasons to try again. A lot of people get tired of this and leave us. We're just too much work. But please try to stay. Please remember that we aren't choosing to live our lives on the see-saw. We aren't asking for your pity, just for your understanding.

The little house

There is a little house in the center of my world. It sometimes keeps me safe, and it sometimes keeps me trapped. The house has been constructed from many materials - the shattered glass of broken promises and the crushed granite of abandonment. Bricks of denial and the ice of my silences. Manic bursts of colored mosaic tiles and tear-soaked pillows. My picket fence is unpainted and sagging under the weight of societies expectations.

When I dare to venture from my house, I never know which landscape will greet me. Will I enter a dark, vast wasteland full of emptiness or will I step into the violent throes of a hurricane? Will I be greeted with warm sunshine and the flurry of a busy boardwalk or will I walk through a lush forest with the hushed sounds of small animals to keep me company? I've shuddered in the violence of tornadoes and felt the bursting of lava from a volcano. My pain ridden cries have echoed into the darkness and I've experienced the thrill of riding the waves in the ocean of possibilities. The long dreary nights haunt me and the fun filled adventures tempt me. This world of mine is unstable and contradictory. I seem to be the pawn in some great game and I don't know the rules. I gather up my hopes and dreams one day, only to have them blown away into eternity the next.

I cherish the people who are brave enough to enter my world and stand by me. I despise those that lack the courage to try. I pity the ones who enter only to leave in fear. I invite you to visit me and my world. The door to my little house remains open to anyone who is willing to take the leap of faith that is necessary to enter. Let me be your guide in this wonderland of mine, and have no fear.

The Glass People

I look out from inside my hide-away, and watch the people scurry by. They hurry past, living their lives, unaware that the glass people exist. Some claim to know about us...they say things like "I Understand" and "It Will Be OK" and "You Can Do It". But they don't really know ME. In our glass worlds, we stay still and hope that the fury inside of us will not cause us to shatter. We hold our breath and watch our step and say we're sorry. We are shrouded in sadness and fear. Living in the world with the real people would break us, or would it?

I watch the real people manipulate each other and lie to one another. I watch them stomp upon their morals and then fall to their knees to beg forgiveness. They seem unable to control this cycle of madness...yet they say that I am the one who is mad. Why am I expected to live in their world? I do not care to cheat or be cheated...I do not want to destroy my morals, and I wish only the best for each and every other living being. I want to find happiness within myself...not from the outside.

I remain in my glass world; not happy, yet not unhappy. I am frozen in time, a statement of our society, of my family; but most of all, I am still ME. Please don't say you understand unless you, too, are one of the glass people. Please don't try to dissect me or my feelings; just be my friend. A friend to ME, not the the glass that you see.

The American Nightmare

Wrote this awhile back...thought it was an appropriate start to my blog...

I am deeming myself unqualified to be an American. I am not Barbie, nor am I Donna Reed, Claire Huxtible, or Mrs. Brady. I do not resemble Martha Stewart in any way. I do not get up before the sun, take a shower, apply my make-up perfectly, and don a smile and lipstick that never wears off seven days a week; as a matter of fact, I don't think I ever have done that all in the same day.

When we are growing up in this society, we are given scripts to carry out like little actors in a play. There seem to be certain requirements that never change. It starts out with Be Popular in School. We then move on to Join Accepted Extracurricular School Activities and Date a Nice Person. Graduate High School precedes Go to College or Join the Military. After we do these things, we Get Married or Find a Career, or, better yet, do both. Then we are to Have Children, Raise them Properly, Acquire a Large House and Minivan or SUV, and, finally, Put the Children through College. After these initial requirements, we are allowed to Retire and Move to Florida.

I do not remember being asked if I was interested in or capable of any of these things. Being kind, intelligent, caring, and honest don't seem to be redeeming qualities if you aren't living according to the carefully outlined script. Living life according to one's own God-given schedule or abilities is not acceptable in this day and time. Unfortunately, we are risking our children's spiritual and emotional well being with these expectations.

I believed in the script. I thought that If Only I was Popular, If Only I could Meet a Nice Guy, and If Only I could Maintain my Perfect Weight while finding a Perfect Career, then I would be happy. Then I would please my parents, my family and society in general. I would Have it Made. But I suffered from undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder and Chronic Insomnia. I developed Anorexia Nervosa and PTSD. I had a personality disorder to boot. There is no room in our pre-designed scripts for these obstacles. There is no margin of error allowed. That is what makes this the American Nightmare for so many of us. Society does not allow us to develop in our own way, at our own time. We are recognized as children, not as human beings with individual needs, quirks, and feelings. We are shepherded through the system and often are left sad, hopeless, or morally bankrupt.

It is time to look beyond the script. It is time we started teaching more than reading, writing and arithmetic. If we truly want to become a better society, we need to teach our children about kindness to others, honesty, trust, and faith. We need to teach our children how to have a healthy self-esteem, and how to help others do the same. To teach this to others, you will have to live it yourself. That seems to be the hardest part for most people, and I think that is sad. That alone says more about our society than any number of large houses and high-paying careers. But I challenge you to try. I have faith in you.