One of those days!

Well, I can't say today has been boring! I didn't sleep well last night, and I had to get up early because I had two appointments scheduled, one was to get the final paperwork done for the CCS program so I can (finally) get started, and the other was the nursing assessment that I had to do for the program. Pam (the consumer advocate with CCS) was supposed to pick me up at 9:40 to take me to the appointments.

Within 20 minutes of getting up, I spilled my coffee, my cat threw up on her blanket and the window-sill, and I dropped a pen and when I stood to pick it up I stepped on it and it broke and cut my foot. So I got everything cleaned up, got a new cup of coffee and sat down to check facebook. Pam called about 15 minutes later and said that Mike (my service provider) had called in sick so the first appointment got cancelled, which means I could have slept a couple more hours. The other problem with this is that I don't really like Mike so until I get a new service provider (in July when he retires) Pam agreed to meet with us when I need to see him, and she is going on vacation starting tomorrow, so it looked like we would have to wait two more weeks to get the paperwork done. The nursing assessment went fine, she was very nice and we did a medical history and she took my blood pressure and pulse and weight.

On the way home, Pam asked if I would be willing to see Mike as long as Steve is there (I haven't met Steve yet, but he helps set up the treatment plans) and I said that if Steve calls me and I can explain what happened with Mike that made me nervous about seeing him, then I would decide if I felt safe to meet with the two of them. So I am hoping Steve will call today so we can figure it out. Pam did say that Steve does have a mental illness himself, so he is more sensitive to the subject, so that is a positive.

I've been wanting to start therapy again but wasn't sure how to find someone and I didn't want my pdoc to recommend anyone to me since I'm planning on asking to see a new pdoc next time I meet with him (btw, Pam is going along to the appointment so I won't be so scared to tell him). I finally just called the receptionist and explained what I was looking for in a therapist and she thinks that Mark S. would be a great match, so I have an initial consult with him on May 14. That was the first opening he has for new patients. I'm looking forward to meeting him, so at least the day is looking better. I plan on being as lazy as possible for the rest of the day, I just need to relax and recover from the stress of the morning!

Med Adjustment

I got in for my emergency appt. yesterday; my regular pdoc, Dr. Proctor, was not in this week, so they got me in to see someone else. I've met her once before, and she is very nice. She didn't want to start any new meds since she is not my regular doc, but she did change my Lamotrigine from 150 mg once per day to 100 mg twice a day. She also said that I can take up to 4 doses of the 1 mg clonazepam if I need to, I was on 3 per day. My anxiety and my mood swings were getting bad, so I hope this helps until I have my follow up appt. with my regular doctor on April 20. The clonazepam tends to cause some fatigue, but I'll put up with it for now.

I do still want to switch to a different doctor, and I found out that to switch I will have to tell Dr. Proctor that I don't want to see him and why. One of the reasons is that I'm scared of him, he yelled at me one time when I was in the hospital. I'm scared he will get upset when I tell him, so I am going to take someone with me when I see him in April. I am hoping that Pam from that new program I am starting will go with me, she is a great advocate for people with mental illness and she would be my first choice. My mom did offer to go with me, so if I can't find anyone else, I guess I will take her. She isn't always the best support for me, but she seems to be getting better as time goes by. And she doesn't let anyone walk all over her like I do, I know she will tell my doc off if he gets pissy with me, LOL!

I actually think that maybe she might be to the point where she would be able to read a book about understanding bipolar; she is not in denial about it like she was in the past. I give her little glimpses into how things are to see how she takes it, and like I said, she seems to be getting it more than in the past. One big thing that I need to talk to her and my family about is to stop talking about my childhood and bringing up the things I did wrong in the past. I think I will wait until I find a therapist and get comfortable with him/her before I talk to them about that; I might have my mom, dad and sister just come in with me. My brother doesn't trigger me at all so I don't think he would have to come, but I will ask him if he wants to. But that's in the future, so I'll concentrate on today for now.

I do actually feel pretty good today; my anxiety is not out of control so far and my mood is good. I will probably have some more mood swings until the higher dose of Lamotrigine has time to work, but I'm grateful for any good day!

What's next?

Well, today Pam (the consumer advocate) from CCS called and said that I'm not officially accepted yet; it used to be that if she approved someone they were accepted, but they've changed it now so that she tells her boss that she thinks I'm a good candidate and then they decide if I am in or not. So now I have to wait a couple more weeks to find out if I am accepted...*sigh*. But she was very nice and apologized, and she said that while I'm waiting she would be happy to come over if I need someone to chat with in the meantime, so she is coming here next Monday to visit with me. I can talk to her some about my worries and have her take a look at the goal sheet I did. I hate waiting!!

Today was good...my mom came to town and gave me a ride to run a few errands; had to pick up my meds and go grocery shopping. My anxiety was pretty mild while I was out, so that was good. Thursday is my birthday and we are going out to eat at my favorite restaurant in the evening, I'm looking forward to that. This will be the first birthday in 12 years that I haven't celebrated with C. (my ex) so it will be a little weird I think.

All things considered, today was still better than yesterday!