Ever since I graduated high school and moved away from my family, I have had a couple of recurring themes in my nightmares and in my dreams. The most common one is that I'm living in my hometown and I'm trying to find a way out. Sometimes I'm living with my parents, sometimes I'm living in my own apartment. I look for my car and can't find it (now that I don't have a car anymore, there is always a vague confusion at the back of my mind in the dream). I try to find a bus that will take me away. I beg my parents to give me a ride. Often, I have a feeling that I don't live there but I can't remember where I do live. Most times I wake up from these dreams and look around at my bedroom and feel an enormous amount of relief.
The other recurring theme is that I'm back in high school because someone looked at my records and found some error, and that I hadn't earned enough credits to graduate. So I'm always trying to find my locker or my classes. The high school rarely looks like the one I actually attended, it's usually a huge building with strange staircases or elevators that only go to certain floors. The odd thing is that the one thing that is exactly the same is that my locker is in the far northwest corner of the building on the top floor. Once in awhile I manage to find my locker, but someone has broken into it and almost everything is gone except for a few loose papers. Sometimes I will find one of my classes but realize that somehow I've missed several days or even months and I don't understand what is going on. Usually at the end of these dreams, I realize that I'm going to have to start the semester over again and I feel hopeless.
I know that the most common one, the one where I am trapped in my hometown, is because I felt trapped there when I was a teenager. I also lived out on a farm, so I was just stuck there all the time until I got a car. I also felt trapped in school...I hated going because of the bullying, but I HAD to go. I did stay home sick as often as I could get away with it, and my freshman year I was lucky that my grades were good enough that they let me move on to sophmore year. If my grades had been lower, they could have kept me back a year because I had so many absences.
The other dream, the one where I'm back in high school, I think is because I still don't know how I managed as well as I did. My anorexia was really bad, my undiagnosed bipolar and insomnia kept getting worse, and I rarely did my homework. I did get some low grades, but I never failed a class. I honestly don't know how I managed to graduate! I even graduated in the top half of my class.
I wish there was a way that I could stop having these dreams/nightmares. I've talked about them in therapy in the past, and I think I have figured out what they mean, but I continue to have them. Sometimes I think it would be nice if I could afford to be hypnotized; maybe they could give the suggestion that I don't dream about those things again or something.
"To dream that you have to repeat high school, suggests that you are doubting your accomplishments and the goals that you have already completed. You feel that you may not be measuring up to the expectation of others. The dream may occur because some recent situation may have awakened old anxieties and insecurities."
~ from: http://www.dreammoods.com/
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Dream - Dave and Chuck
I woke up about half and hour ago, it's 4:30am, I wanted to record my dream...
For some reason I had given Chuck a ride home (in the dream he lived with his mom). I was going to spend the night because it was a long drive. His mom wanted him to sleep in the guest room and wanted me to sleep in his room because I would be closer to the phone, and she was leaving early in the morning but expecting a phone call around 10:30am and asked if I would answer it for her because she knew Chuck wouldn't answer the phone. So I went in to go to bed and noticed the bed was unmade...I thought that was weird because Chuck has always been anal about keeping his bed made.
I tried to fall asleep but I wasn't tired and I was hungry, so I went to the kitchen to find something to eat. I couldn't find anything, so I went into the living room and saw Dave laying on the floor. I was so happy to see him! He was still very sick (note: after Dave died by suicide, I had a dream that he was still alive but very ill, and he had faked his own death. I've dreamt of him a few times since then, always a continuation of that one). I asked him when he moved back home and he said something about losing his apartment. This is when I realized that Dave and Chuck had the same mother (not unusual, their moms are a lot alike). I made a mental note to ask Chuck what Dave had been like growing up, because Dave never told me much about his childhood.
I knelt down and hugged Dave and gave him a kiss, and then he gave me this belt...in the dream I thought it was really cool, it was actually kind of weird. It was black leather, very large and kind of shaped like a wrestler's belt, and it had a skull in the middle and feathers and dream catchers hanging down from it. I put it on and sat down by Dave. The Dave and Chuck's sisters and brothers came in (not their siblings from real life) and I was talking to them and commenting on how tall they'd gotten since I last saw them.
Next, Dr. Proctor (my psychiatrist) walked in and I realized that he was married to Dave and Chuck's mom. He was actually nice and smiling in the dream (in real life I am trying to switch to a new doctor). Then he hears a car honking so he went outside to see who it was. It turned out to be my mom and my sister. My mom was crying, she said someone named Gary had died. I didn't know who she was talking about, and she said "you know, Gary Ho, Gary Priellip". (My mother's maiden name is Hoag, her grandmother was a Priellip) I still didn't know who she was talking about, but she said I had to come with her. So I went in to get my things, and she came in. She started picking on one of Dave and Chuck's sisters, and their mom screamed at my mom about how she didn't know how to treat kids. (I loved it) Dr. Proctor looked at me, he looked worried, like he didn't want me to leave with her. I went over to Dave to say goodbye but he was completely covered with a blanket, pretending to sleep (I don't know how I knew he was pretending) and I realized he didn't love me anymore. I turned to talk to someone, and then I woke up.
Maybe I'll try to analyze this a bit some other time, mostly I just wanted to get it written down so I wouldn't forget it...but I need to try and get some more sleep as I have to get up at 9am.
For some reason I had given Chuck a ride home (in the dream he lived with his mom). I was going to spend the night because it was a long drive. His mom wanted him to sleep in the guest room and wanted me to sleep in his room because I would be closer to the phone, and she was leaving early in the morning but expecting a phone call around 10:30am and asked if I would answer it for her because she knew Chuck wouldn't answer the phone. So I went in to go to bed and noticed the bed was unmade...I thought that was weird because Chuck has always been anal about keeping his bed made.
I tried to fall asleep but I wasn't tired and I was hungry, so I went to the kitchen to find something to eat. I couldn't find anything, so I went into the living room and saw Dave laying on the floor. I was so happy to see him! He was still very sick (note: after Dave died by suicide, I had a dream that he was still alive but very ill, and he had faked his own death. I've dreamt of him a few times since then, always a continuation of that one). I asked him when he moved back home and he said something about losing his apartment. This is when I realized that Dave and Chuck had the same mother (not unusual, their moms are a lot alike). I made a mental note to ask Chuck what Dave had been like growing up, because Dave never told me much about his childhood.
I knelt down and hugged Dave and gave him a kiss, and then he gave me this belt...in the dream I thought it was really cool, it was actually kind of weird. It was black leather, very large and kind of shaped like a wrestler's belt, and it had a skull in the middle and feathers and dream catchers hanging down from it. I put it on and sat down by Dave. The Dave and Chuck's sisters and brothers came in (not their siblings from real life) and I was talking to them and commenting on how tall they'd gotten since I last saw them.
Next, Dr. Proctor (my psychiatrist) walked in and I realized that he was married to Dave and Chuck's mom. He was actually nice and smiling in the dream (in real life I am trying to switch to a new doctor). Then he hears a car honking so he went outside to see who it was. It turned out to be my mom and my sister. My mom was crying, she said someone named Gary had died. I didn't know who she was talking about, and she said "you know, Gary Ho, Gary Priellip". (My mother's maiden name is Hoag, her grandmother was a Priellip) I still didn't know who she was talking about, but she said I had to come with her. So I went in to get my things, and she came in. She started picking on one of Dave and Chuck's sisters, and their mom screamed at my mom about how she didn't know how to treat kids. (I loved it) Dr. Proctor looked at me, he looked worried, like he didn't want me to leave with her. I went over to Dave to say goodbye but he was completely covered with a blanket, pretending to sleep (I don't know how I knew he was pretending) and I realized he didn't love me anymore. I turned to talk to someone, and then I woke up.
Maybe I'll try to analyze this a bit some other time, mostly I just wanted to get it written down so I wouldn't forget it...but I need to try and get some more sleep as I have to get up at 9am.
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