How I lost my best friend

My husband and I met in 1997, were married in 1999, and separated in 2003, but we remained best friends. Basically we decided that we still cared a lot about each other but we just could not live together for a lot of different reasons.

So until recently we were completely there for each other as friends. We talked once or twice a day and he would always be there if I was having problems with my bipolar II or anxiety disorders (among other diagnosis). It was hard when he was working full time but if I left a message for him he would always call me as soon as he got the message; he would even come over after work if I was feeling really down. He was my only friend and although I get along well enough with my family, they really don't understand the depression and anxiety and hypomania and everything so I can't really talk to them about those things. I also don't have a car so I counted a lot on C. to take me to the store for groceries or whatever, since my family lives about an hour away.

Anyhow, he lost his job last Feb due to downsizing at his company and still hasn't found a job. During the fall he started playing that online sim game Second Life and met a girl named Joss, but she lives in England and we live in the USA so she is 6 hours ahead of us time-wise. At first I was really happy for him that he met someone new. But over time, from the things he was telling me it sounded like she was playing a lot of mind games with him and he seemed to be getting hurt and upset a lot. She also didn't like him hanging out with me, even though she is still living with her husband (they are supposedly separated). So he started spending about 10 - 16 hours a day online with her, trying to do anything to make her happy. He started to not take phone calls when he was online with her, and would not call anyone back until after Joss went to bed at night. And she has insomnia, so sometimes she was up until 10pm or later our time. Basically it didn't matter how depressed I was or anything, he wouldn't get back to me until 4 - 10 hours after I left a message since she didn't like it when he talked to me if she was online. She told him if they have a relationship she should ALWAYS come first, even if his friends or family needed him.

I did try to get along with her for C.'s sake, and we corresponded by email a few times, mostly me reassuring her that I was just his friend and there was no chance we would ever get back together. Then she hacked my computer and told C. that someone she knew did it. I contacted the police and the cybercrimes unit told me that Joss had to have been the one to do it since she was the only person I had contact with. They said she installed a program on my computer when I opened one of her emails that allowed her to get into my internet history and favorites menu. C. refused to believe that she did it and continued to believe her friend did it. So I was done trying to make nice with her. I had to reformat my computer to get rid of the program she installed.

Okay, so I was getting really frustrated and all because of that, and then it got to where I had to basically make an appointment to see him. Remember, he is out of work so he is free all day long. Since I wanted him to be happy, I agreed and so we would set up a day and time for us to hang out and watch tv or whatever for a few hours. The last 3 or 4 times we were supposed to hang out he was either late because he was online with her (like 45 minutes late, not just a few minutes), or he cancelled because Joss didn't want him to come over.

I really started to wonder if he still even wanted to hang out with me anymore and I asked him about it. He started crying and said that he really wanted to be friends with me and that he didn't want to lose our friendship but Joss made him feel bad whenever he made plans with me or called me.

So on Jan. 21 we had plans to go to the movie "The Lovely Bones". He was supposed to be here to pick me up at 3:30 so we wouldn't be late. He called me at 3:35 and said he was running late because Joss didn't want him to go offline, but he was on his way, and could I just meet him outside so we wouldn't be late to the movie. So I did and tried really hard not to get annoyed or upset about it. Then, during the movie his cell phone started ringing (he forgot to turn it off I guess). After the movie I offered to buy us dinner at McDonalds so we headed there and he went to the bathroom. I waited and waited, took him almost 20 minutes. I was about to send someone in to check on him when he finally came out. I asked him if he was okay and he said he was fine, he had checked him messages and Joss had called so of course he had to call her back, even though it wasn't an emergency or anything, she just wanted to know where he was and when he would get home.

So that really ticked me off I guess. I was trying so hard to accommodate him since I did want him to be happy and I didn't want to lose our 13 year friendship. But it seemed like I was just getting hurt all the time. I was also worried about him because this girl is really controlling and like I said, she keeps playing mind games with him. My insomnia got worse and my mood swings got worse and my depression got worse and my anxiety was a LOT worse.

I felt like I could only be his friend if/when Joss was asleep or if she gave him "permission". He is 45 years old and he is letting this 25 year old tell him what he can and cannot do. He even lost his unemployment for a few weeks because he forgot to call in his claim because he is always online with her. He has almost completely stopped looking for a job. He only hangs out with his brother and sister-in-law on Sunday mornings for brunch, even though he is living with them. He stays in his room online with her all day every day.

I feel bad for him because he seems to be trapped in this alternate world and because he is starting to lose everything because of this girl that he has never even met in person. But on Jan. 29 I finally made the decision to end things with him. I don't deserve to be treated like that from someone I've been close to for 13 years. I wrote out a long letter and asked him to come over and I read it to him. I told him that I could not be friends with him any longer, it was hurting me too much and he was treating me like crap.

It's been hard since then, but now I only talk to him if we need to discuss something regarding our divorce. The first set of papers have been filed, and we will have to talk again early in April to fill out and file the next set of papers. If all goes well, I'm hoping our divorce will be final by the end of summer...it just depends on when they set the date for our final hearing.

So that's the story...if you've been reading my posts you know that I'm working on getting a new support system in place. My mom has been helpful, she comes here every week or two and takes me out to get groceries or run errands. I've reconnected with a friend that I had lost touch with and my sister's best friend and I have been talking a lot (she lives in a town that is close by). I also applied for that program, I hope I get accepted! A group that I'm in on facebook has a lot of great people and I've been able to chat with them about things as well. So I guess I'll survive :o)

The video below is the song I used to dedicate to him...hopefully someday I will find someone else who fits the bill.