Well, tomorrow I have an appointment with a lady from the mental health program I applied for (CCS)...I hope I get accepted, although at the same time I get nervous about asking for help. For some reason it makes me feel weak to ask for help like this. I don't mind taking meds for my illnesses because I know I have a chemical imbalance that only meds can change. But the other parts of the illness, the behaviors and anxieties and all make me feel like a weak person and sometimes like a failure. I really hope that they hurry up and approve me before I chicken out!
The things I hope to get from this program: some kind of therapy that can be done here at my apartment to lessen the anxieties about leaving my apartment, and then some outings into the community with a social worker to try and face my anxieties about leaving my apartment. I don't have as much anxiety if I'm with family because I know they will bring me home if I get anxious or have a panic attack, but I have a major fear of using the city bus because I obviously can't tell them I changed my mind and have them take me home! Eventually I'd like to look into joining a group that is available in the community twice a week, Tues. and Thurs. evenings from 3pm to 6pm...they do recreational outings and such. I'm really hoping I can work up to that in a few months or so because I would like to meet some other people who have similar issues.
I lost my main support person about a month ago, we were friends for 13 years (actually we are still legally married although we separated in 2003) but he turned into an asshole...that's a story I'll have to post sometime, it's a long one. So now I've filed the first set of papers for the divorce and I am trying to build a whole new support system. My family is supportive in their own way...but I can't really talk to them about the depression or anxieties without getting unsolicited advice that doesn't help me at all. Really need to have someone I can just talk to who can listen without giving advice when I don't ask for it. Sometimes I just need to talk about the feelings and get them out, you know?
Anyhow, I hope the meeting goes well tomorrow. Today is going pretty well, although it's only 2:45pm and I'm already counting the hours until bedtime...I'm bored as all hell. I shouldn't take a nap because I'm not really tired, but sometimes I just don't know what else to do!
Jenni
You sincerity and honesty about your fears takes an amazing amount of courage. You aren't weak at all, Jen. You are stronger than I am at the moment. We are in similar situations. I don't go out much. I stick with places I know usually. I panic at the thought of spending time with people, including my family. I'm glad you started this blogg, and I'm interested in how the program works out for you. That is something I've wanted to do myself. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time to admit to myself that I needed any help beyond medication. I think that losing my friend actually was a good thing in some ways because it forced me to look at my situation and I didn't especially like what I saw. You'll get there, it just takes time. Until then, keep on keeping on!
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