Darkness has fallen

It's hard to describe depression unless you're in the middle of it, and although I desperately want to sleep I can't so I'm going to try and explain how it feels for those who haven't been there...my thoughts might not be totally clear...

It's like all of a sudden you realize you've been injected with some sort of paralytic and you can only sit and watch while darkness wraps itself around you like a cocoon. There is no strength to fight it. You're totally passive and have no energy to fight back.

Have you ever went for a walk and realized too late that you've gone too far? So you head back and you get a few blocks away from home but every step feels like you're walking in mud and you feel like your legs are about to give out...and it feels like every step is taking forever...that's how time is when you're depressed. Every minute feels like an eternity and you sit and wait and wait for it to be bedtime, but finally you get to a point where it feels like something inside is going to snap and you're going to be disconnected from reality forever unless you sleep the hours away, so you drag yourself to bed and pray that you can sleep. But after a few days or a week of it, you get to a point where you can't sleep anymore...that's where I am right now. I've been depressed for one week, one day...and this might only be the beginning. That's the worst part, you don't know how long it will last. With a physical illness, you can tell when you are starting to get better. With depression, it just drags on until you get bad enough to go into the hospital or you wake up one day and feel fine. I contemplated hospitalization, but as bad as I feel I'm not suicidal, and I don't have anyone that can take care of my cat since I'm not friends with C. anymore, and as awful as it is to feel this way, at least I'm at home where I can lay in bed when I want or watch tv or come online...in the hospital you get woken up too early, you get dragged from group to group, the beds are horribly uncomfortable so sleeping is even harder than it is at home, you can't smoke, you have a set bedtime so it's lights out whether you're tired or not...right now I think I'll be okay at home. I would like to try and get an appointment with my doc, but I don't have anyone to take me...I'd have to brave the stupid bus which terrifies me or I'd have to shell out a lot of money for a cab, or I'd have to give in and see if my mom can take me, which means I have to tell her I'm depressed, which I HATE. She spent the first 19 years of my life ignoring me, and then when she finally accepted that I was sick, now she needs to know every detail of how I'm feeling if I'm depressed and she doesn't understand and I don't WANT anyone to worry about me, it bothers me. I wish I had a fucking car.

So, I'm feeling horrible but like I said I am not going to hurt myself or anything. I'll try to come up with some kind of transportation so I can get in to see my doctor soon. I'm tired of writing...and I can barely think...I'll try to post again soon.