Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Expectations

I want to talk about expectations. I'm going to start with some quotes that I like:

  • “Have the least expectations from others and the highest expectations from yourself.” ~ Raj Bokdia
  • "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." ~ Dennis Wholey
  • "A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though awakens your own expectations." ~ Patricia Neal
  • "As I know more of mankind I expect less of them, and am ready now to call a man a good man, upon easier terms than I was formerly." ~ Samuel Johnson
Expecting someone to be what you want them to be is wrong. Expecting others to do the best they can is a sign of maturity. No one is ever going to live up to the expectations of others, no matter how hard they try. A common mistake that parents make is to set expectations for their children beyond what the child is capable of. As teenagers, many people find that everyone is setting expectations for them. Is this really how we want to live as a society? Don't we want to help people find their own expectations of themselves? Setting boundaries is often confused with setting expectations. It is right to set boundaries. It is right to learn that all behaviors have consequences, good or bad. But you can't just assume or expect that others will never cross the boundaries you set. In those cases, you have the right to choose to not have that person in your life.

When you are frustrated because someone is not living up to your expectations, take a step back and ask yourself what that person expects from themself, and ask them what you can do to help them meet those expectations. Encourage others to set goals for themselves, and help them achieve those goals if you can. If you have ever seen or experienced an intervention, you know that the best results don't come from setting expectations, but from setting boundaries and consequences. I.E. "If you do not seek treatment, I cannot be a part of your life". "If you do not seek treatment, I will not allow you to live in my home, and I will no longer give you money". This approach helps to encourage the person to seek help or treatment so that they do not have to experience the negative consequences. But to tell someone that you expect them to get better and then enable them to remain ill is counterproductive.

Please, don't set expectations on anyone's shoulders but your own. Set boundaries and enforce the consequences. Also remember that no one will know what your boundaries are unless you tell them, and no one will know what the consequences are unless you tell them. I don't know anyone who can read someone else's mind. In the end, set expectations for yourself and wish, hope or pray that others will do the same for themselves.

Edit: Mel makes a good point in her comment...be careful when you set expectations for yourself. Keep them realistic, and don't ever base them on what you think other people want you to be. Set small goals that you want to work towards, but go easy on yourself if you don't reach them right away. Put them aside and try them again at a later time. Take care, and thanks for the comment Mel!

1 comment:

  1. I have recently realized that I have expectations of others. I have high expectations of myself... to be and act and do certain things and certain ways. And when people to meet those expectations, I feel disappointed. And let me just say, It is a HUGE PROBLEM!!!... don't ever do it. Avoid it completely.

    -Mel

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